Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
