I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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