There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Bring me that man meat
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
