i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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