While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
