Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
