I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
