Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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