the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
