My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
