he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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