My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
