just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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