Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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