I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
