I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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