Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
