I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
