I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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