who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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