So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
