So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Randomize
