Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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