You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
