hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize