you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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