are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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