1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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