He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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