I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
