She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
