she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
