It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
