My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
