He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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