Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i want to swaddle you in tequila
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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