Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
