I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
