When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
