grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
