I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize