I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
