I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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