it wasn't lemon gatorade
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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