I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
