I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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