I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Randomize
