Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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