Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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