I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
