why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
