Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
