it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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