you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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