I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
