which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
