I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize